FAMILY
Many of the responses we get at Who Cares? are to do with the pain of family life. Some write about conflict in the family (e.g. ‘falling out with my son’) while others share the worries and concerns they have for their children and grandchildren (e.g. ‘worrying about my daughter who is hanging out with a bad crowd’). For others it’s the pain of being separated from family members (e.g. ‘Living so far away from my grandchildren’). All these responses could also go under the category of ‘relationships’ but we noticed that it was such a common theme it was helpful to be identified in this way. How tragic that the family –meant to be a place of security, love and acceptance has often been the cause of the deepest pain for so many people.
Here are some key statistics:
Approximately 14% of answers to ‘what hurts you the most?’ are to do with family.
Women are more likely than men to give this answer.
This is the second most common answer for those aged 18-34.
Marylyn Poole who writes about family life and works as a sociologist says: ‘Within the family context lies a paradox... although most of us hope for love and support within the family – a haven in a heartless world, so to speak – the family can also be a place of violence and abuse. 25 It is indeed paradoxical that one of the things that most people consider to be the precious and most important to them, turns out to be one of the most painful things in life. Local people told us of a number of ways that family life had become painful:
Arguing in families
Bringing up children correctly
Having patience with young family
Falling out with my children
Screaming Grandchildren
Broken marriages – one wrote ‘My second husband was alcoholic and violent, had a horrible divorce’
People wrote about the pain of their parents splitting up
One person put ‘failing my parents’
Something that was meant to be beautiful has become broken. Something which made such bold promises has become a disappointment.
Nearly one child in three is living without their father or mother
Nearly half of all marriages are likely to end in divorce
The number of children contacting ChildLine 26 about child abuse has increased by over 50% between 2007 and 2009 across the UK. That’s partly because of awareness and access to the service on mobiles but it’s not only because of that.
Many people have rejected the traditional pattern of marriage before living together. They either go on to marry later on or never at all, but the impact of this trend is not good as the following statistics 27 reveal:
Living together before marriage is associated with a higher divorce risk, with estimates ranging from 33 percent to 151 percent increased risk of divorce.
Annual rates of depression among cohabitates are more than three times higher than married couples.
Women in cohabitating relationships are twice as likely as married women to suffer physical abuse.
Something that was meant to be beautiful has become broken. Perhaps we have even forgotten what family is meant to be. So let me paint the beautiful picture again and look at how this beauty can be regained.
If God exists and God is a good creator, then his intention and design for how things should work would surely be the best and most beautiful. What does he say? One of the basic principles is that marriage, kids and sex all belong together. Sadly many people now separate out just two or even just one. I want sex but I don’t want marriage or kids. I want kids but I don’t want sex or marriage. I want marriage but
I don’t want kids or sex. It’s interesting because for thousands of years we were without very reliable and widely available contraception. Becoming pregnant without sex was impossible and so it was perhaps harder to separate out one from the other. It was a bit easier to see that these things naturally belonged together. Things have changed so much in the last hundred years but just because we can do something doesn’t mean that we should.
Marriage
God’s purpose is that marriage should tell a story. God is a storyteller and he wants to tell the most important story in the universe: the story of his Son and his love for his people. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her”. 28 Marriage is meant to speak about the love of Jesus.
The focus is not on what you get but on what you give. Marriage works beautifully when you have two humble servants who are living to please each other. The Bible is both realistic and hopeful about this vision for marriage. It’s realistic because it recognises that everybody marries, in one sense, the wrong person. Everybody is flawed and broken, so there will be conflict and challenge and seasons when you give a great deal but receive very little in return. Far too many people expect things from marriage that can never be delivered. However, there is also great hope. No season lasts forever and with God the cycle of destructive habits can be broken.
Most people desire in theory to be more loving but the problem is that many people aren’t very easy to love, at least some of the time. We must learn that if you love a person when you don’t like them you will feel more and more loving. If you only the love the person when you like them you will feel less and less loving. Jesus gave his life for us even though we are rebellious and selfish and it’s this kind of sacrificial love which marriage runs on. It must be made clear that selfless love does not mean enduring abuse. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to confront the one that you love. It’s possible to love your spouse and be walking in forgiveness but still move out and call the police because you or your family are in danger.
There is a whole book in the Bible that celebrates love, sex and romance called ‘Song of Songs’. While in many cultures marriage was viewed as an undertaking for status and security this book was revolutionary because it says we should marry for love. There’s a moment in the story where the wife says of her husband ‘this is my lover, this is my friend’ – a powerful description of how love and friendship lies at the heart of what marriage should be.
Friendship is an important aspect because friends want something else beside the friendship. The saying goes that ‘those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers’ and in marriage the Bible says we together should share a passion for the purposes of God and all that we could be in him. When we look at one another we see not only what they are but what they are going to be in God.
Parenting
It is important to remind ourselves that a married couple are a family. Some people think they will never be truly happy unless they are able to be parents but the reality is that millions of people are unable to have children and those people can still live satisfying, fulfilling and incredible lives.
The Bible says that children are a gift. We should be thankful for our children and enjoy their company and raising them. So often we focus on the responsibility which can lead to guilt and a lack of joy. ‘Children are one big guilt trip’ is what our midwife told us. No, they are a gift; if they are challenging then there is a lesson that God thinks we need to learn.
Here are two proverbs from the Bible which speak about parenting:
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away. 29
My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. 30
There are broadly speaking two commonly held views of parenting. One is the traditional view that parenting is about control and obedience, the other more modern view is that parenting is about love and affection. The biblical view in Proverbs is neither of those. The Bible says that the main purpose of parenting is to make children wise. The first proverb talks about driving away folly, that there is selfishness in children we need to coach them out of. And the way to get there is a mixture of discipline and delight.
Handling parents
The Bible says that above all other commands we should treat those who are older with respect and honour. That’s the beautiful picture of how things should be. ‘Honour your father and mother’ is a command given to all regardless of how old their parents are. The instruction is one of the Ten Commandments and it’s so interesting what it doesn’t say – such as admire, obey, trust or show affection. Why? Actually sometimes it’s not right to do those things as some parents are evil. But there is one thing you must always fulfil, you must always honour them. It’s not a sentimental thing a feeling as such – it’s about how we treat them. What does it look like?
For a start make appropriate cultural acts of honour, for instance we shouldn’t need signs on buses telling us to give up seats for older people.
Any way in which you can say I got that from you and its good, say it!
Don’t ever stereotype them, they can change. You can change too.
Forgive them – being resentful will distort you – “I never let my children go there because my dad made me go every week” If you are still mad at them you are still a child. We should neither live to please them nor resent them. We honour them. 31
Why is there hope?
Because Jesus offers us the truly satisfying relationships we all need.
If your children, your spouse, your parents or your future spouse are the one thing you can’t live without then they have become your God. Your relationship with them will be distorted, because you expect something from them that they can never give. There is roughly a 50/50 possibility your spouse will die before you. What will you live for when they are gone? Your God is not very reliable. Your children will probably fall in love and start a family of their own, and would you even want anything less for them? Can you really live for them, when they have their own lives to live?
There is a statement here which isn’t a bible verse but it is true: Jesus + nothing = everything. Why?
Jesus is our ultimate spouse
Supposing you are single and prone to wondering on wedding days, “will it ever be my turn?” Remember the happiest person in the universe was a single virgin called Jesus. Tim Keller says the way to deal with being single is to say this: “There is only one person in the universe who can give my soul what it longs for the most. And he awaits me. My wedding day is coming no matter what. I can read about it in Revelation 21 and 22. And it’s the only wedding day I really need”. He goes on to say “And on that day your first embrace from your ultimate lover could heal a thousand lives worse and more unhappy than yours. That awaits you, heal yourself with that. Tell yourself about that. If you don’t it’s your fault”. 32
Jesus made a promise with the Father that he wouldn’t give up on us even if it cost him his life. He got into the marriage from hell with us and stayed in it. He showed us that dying to self is the only way to win. He confronted the most broken.
thing about us and defeated it on the cross. The darkest day, was the day when light broke through like never before, as Jesus showed us that losing your life is the only way to find true life. He’s alive today, he’s present here and he is a permanent reminder that costly love that puts others first, wins in the end.
Jesus offers us the ultimate parent and the ultimate family
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.” He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” 33
Jesus welcomes us not only to a Father who delights in us but to a people whom he calls his own. I met someone on a plane who said she couldn’t be associated with Christianity because of what Christians say and do. What I later realised is that what repelled her was actually beautiful. Tim Keller, again, says this: ‘Christianity... leads its members to [expect that many] people of other faiths ...will live lives morally superior to their own. Most people in our culture believe that, if there is a God, we can relate to him and go to heaven through leading a good life... Christianity teaches the very opposite. In the Christian understanding, Jesus does not tell us how to live so we can merit salvation. Rather, he comes to forgive and save us through his life and death in our place. God’s grace does not come to people who morally outperform others, but to those who admit their failure to perform and who acknowledge their need for a Saviour.’ 34
Church is messy but there is also something wonderful as God takes these broken people just as they are and makes them right again. You cannot say to Christians, ‘your God will be my God’, without saying to God, ‘your people will be my people’. This is an act of grace, you might want to say ‘they don’t deserve to be here, they are too judgmental, too sinful, too annoying’ but when we see the cross we realise none of us deserve to be here: it is only because of his mercy and grace that we are. Jesus invites you to join this family of people. Accept them as they are, knowing that inside us is a power that will change us now, and change us for all eternity: a family that lasts forever.
25. Marilyn Poole, Family: Changing Families, Changing Times
26. A service provided by The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children
27. Statistics taken from a BBC News article entitled ‘Sex abuse calls to ChildLine soar’ and Mark Driscoll in an article for the Washington Post
28. Ephesians 5:25
29. Proverbs 22: 15
30. Proverbs 3: 11
31. Many of the ideas in this paragraph come from a talk by Tim Keller called ‘Family’, June 12, 2005, www.redeemer.com
32. Tim Keller, quote from talk on ‘Family’. I am grateful to Tim Keller’s excellent talk on Family found here (www.gospelinlife.com/family-5432.html?___SID=U) for some of the ideas found in this chapter.
33. Matthew 12: 46–50
34. Tim Keller, The Reason for God